American Transition To Idiocracy Running Ahead Of Schedule

Sheila Jackson Lee Asks Why Elon Musk Wants To Colonize Mars Since It's Just A Giant Ball Of Spaghetti Sauce

9 Signs God Might Be Slightly Angry With Your Country

'I Didn't Do That,' Insists Biden After Aides Ask Him Who Colored On The Wall Of The Lincoln Bedroom

In Hilarious April Fools Joke, Congress Announces They Are Working Hard To Serve The American People

4D Chess: Trump Makes Mar-A-Lago Worth $500 Million By Hanging Up 3 Hunter Biden Paintings

In Bonding Moment, Father Teaches Son How To Call Handyman To Fix Faucet

Aides Wake Biden To Play That Fun 'President' Game Again

AOC Says RICO Not A Crime, He's The Guy Who Delivers Her Food

NYC Homeowner Arrested For Not Providing Squatters With WiFi Password

Mexico Begins Constructing Wall To Keep Illegal Immigrants From Coming Back

Court Flips Coin To See If Texas Allowed To Enforce Laws Today

Double Or Nothing: Trump Challenges Judge Engoron To $450 Million Game Of One-On-One

New Boeing 737 Toy Features Wings That Really Fall Off

Progressives Fear That Without TikTok, They Won't Be Able To Convince Kids To Join Their Weird Sex Cult

Illegal Immigrants Politely Decline Free Flight On A Boeing

Democrats Clarify They're OK With A Bloodbath If It's Just From Killing The Unborn

Nation Reassured As Special Counsel Transcript Reveals Biden Still Able To Make Car Noises With His Mouth

Woman Kicked Out Of Walmart For Not Wearing Pajama Bottoms

10 Achievements Biden Will Cover Tonight During The State Of The Union

Aides Fitting Marionette Strings To Biden In Preparation For State Of The Union

Mayor Who Advertised City As Sanctuary For Criminals Perplexed Over Large Number Of Criminals

Texas National Guard Deploys Giant Sandworms On Southern Border

Ballot Drop Boxes Installed Along Border Wall

Kid Who Got Distracted For A Few Seconds One Time Prescribed Adderall

Sherwin-Williams Announces Plan To Phase Out White Paint

Police Warn Women Not To Jog Within 2,000 Miles Of An Open Border

BREAKING: Ukraine To Lose Top Republican Senate Seat

McConnell Acknowledges He Is No Longer Fit To Be Senator, Will Keep Being Senator

Another Democrat Attempts To Purchase A Black Man

NYC Teachers Worry Trucker Boycott Could Delay Shipment Of Gay Porn To Schools

Russian Space Weapon Revealed To Be A Ferocious Bear Duct-Taped To A Satellite

Democrats Unveil New 'Hip Hop Task Force' Designed To Combat Racial Inequality

Study Shows 10 Out Of 10 Babies Prefer Female Boobs

New Senate Anti-Murder Bill Caps Murders At 5,000 Per Day

Gaza Votes For Ceasefire In Chicago

Nikki Haley Says We Must Avoid Peace In The Middle East At All Costs

California Becomes First State To Ban Heterosexual Marriage

Nation Has Vague, Distant Memory Of Some Old Rule Where The President Couldn't Just Declare War On Anyone He Wanted

Op-Ed: I Should Buy A Sword

Selena Gomez Explains To Taylor Swift How The Federal Reserve Creates Boom And Bust Cycles Through Manipulation Of Interest Rates And Fiat Currency

History Made As United Airlines Reveals First All-Dachshund Flight Crew

Green Day Releases Edgy New Album Titled 'Get The Vaccine, Climate Change Is Real, And Trump Is Bad'

Texas Agrees To Two-State Solution With Austin

Nation's White Liberals Wish Each Other Happy Kwanzaa

Most Popular New Year's Resolution By State

Canada Requires All Men's Rooms To Have Tampons In Case Of Justin Trudeau Visit

Ron Paul Asks Santa Claus To End The Fed For The 47th Straight Year

20 Last-Minute Gifts You Can Buy At A 24-Hour Walgreens To Sweep Your Wife Off Her Feet

New York Times Warns That Involved, Loving Cartoon Dads Could Lead To Involved, Loving Real Dads

Harvard President Claudine Gay In Hot Water For Plagiarizing Large Sections Of 'Mein Kampf'

Children On Best Behavior After Santa Announces Naughty Kids Now Receive 'The Marvels' On Blu-Ray

Parenting In The '80s Vs. Parenting Now

10 Best Places To Meet A Good Christian Girl

Journalists Condemn Little Leaguer For Wearing 12% Blackface

Gavin Newsom Quickly Bans High-Capacity Assault High Heels

Want To Be An FBI Agent? Here Are The Top 9 Qualifications

Republicans Consider Compromising With The Left On Nuanced Issue Of Baby Murder

California Proposes Another Minimum Wage Increase So People Can Afford Products Made More Expensive By Previous Minimum Wage Increase

Portland Neighborhood Terrified By Residents Dressed Up As Normal Middle-Class Family

Spooky! Lori Lightfoot Dresses Up As Lori Lightfoot

Republicans To Spend Weekend Brainstorming How To Be Even More Of An Embarrassment

10 Ways To Improve Diversity, Equity, And Inclusion At Your Workplace

4D Chess: Biden Offers The Palestinians $100 Million In Exchange For None Of The Hostages

Newsom Assures New Phone Alert System For Black People Will Be 'Separate But Equal'

GoFundMe To Send The Squad To Gaza Raises $5 Million

Weird: Liberty Safe Dials Revealed To Only Turn Left

Liberals Frustrated To Discover Virtue Way Harder Than Virtue Signaling

DOJ Convicts Proud Boys Of Rioting For The Wrong Side

10 Items That Will Definitely Get Your Kid Suspended From School

Shocking Photos Show Obama Drinking Bud Light While Driving Ford Raptor

After Third Infection, COVID Desperately Seeks Vaccine Against Whoopi Goldberg

Bud Light Welcomes New Investor Bill Gates With Limited Edition Jeffrey Epstein Cans

White House Assures Inflation Is Only Affecting People Who Need To Buy Stuff

Ukraine Unveils New Missile Fueled By Burning U.S. Dollars

Eric Adams Calls Texas To Ask If They Have Any More Of Those Cowboy Guys With The Whips

8 Ways To Afford A Home In Biden's Economy

Retired Dr. Fauci Called Out Of Retirement For One Last Mask Mandate

Kid Suspended For Being In Possession Of History Book With U.S. Flag On Cover

10 Home Decorating Tips For Men

Furious McCarthy Promises To Respond To Biden Corruption With Strongliest-Worded Letter Ever

Donald Trump's Trial For Election Interference Set To Begin In Time To Interfere With Election

Biden Urges U.S. Government To Fund Vaccine For Virus U.S. Government Funded

Disaster Relief Plane Flies Over Hawaii On Way To Ukraine

Chicago Gangs Kill Time Playing Catan While Waiting For Drive-By Shooting Hours To Start At 9 P.M.

CDC Announces Deadly New 'Electionyearicron' Covid Variant

Winner Of Republican Debate Declared To Be Anyone Who Didn't Watch The Republican Debate

Biden Vows To Sacrifice As Many Ukrainian Lives As It Takes To Defeat Russia

Biden Tells Fire Victims He Sympathizes Because One Time He Walked On The Beach Without Sandals And The Sand Was Really Hot

California Drought Undeniable Evidence Of Climate Change - UPDATE: California Rain Undeniable Evidence Of Climate Change

Secret Service Says They Are Unable To Identify Man Meeting With Oligarchs In Oval Office Under Alias 'Robert L. Peters'

Weak Hurricane Hilary Performance Blamed On Russian Interference

Californians Prepare For Hurricane By Nailing Plywood Boards Onto Their Tent Flaps

White House Says Bidenomics So Successful The Average American Has Twice As Many Jobs As They Had Two Years Ago

Garland Appoints Special Counsel To Cover Up Biden's Crimes

Oakland Mayor Asks Residents To Blow Air Horn Once To Announce Stabbing, Twice For Shooting

Biden Put Down After Biting Another Baby

Trump Charged With Questioning Election Results While Not Being A Democrat

Nine Signs Your Library Is WOKE

Secret Service Says Eight-Ball Of Cocaine Found In Courtroom Chair Hunter Was Sitting In Probably Left By Tour Group

'Greetings Earth, Our Planet Desperately Needs $40 Billion In Foreign Aid!' Says Alien Commander Who Looks Suspiciously Like Zelensky In A Spirit Halloween Mask

D.C. Residents Concerned Crack House On Pennsylvania Avenue Will Drag Down Housing Market

A.I. Czar Harris Announces She Has Figured Out What A.I. Stands For

10 Ingenious Ways To Avoid Paying Taxes

After Discovering Cocaine In The White House, Biden Promises To Fix Immigration, Inflation, The Ukraine War, Student Debt, Climate Change, Hotel Fees, Infrastructure, Balance The Budget, And Redesign The Rose Garden By 4 A.M. Tomorrow

BlackRock Confirms ESG On Hold Until They Can Come Up With Another Name For It That Nobody Knows About

Ben And Jerry Announce Native Americans May Exchange White Man's Scalp For Free Pint Of Chunky Monkey

Zuckerberg Unveils Exciting New Social Media Platform For Government To Censor

Rachel Maddow Snorts Line Of Coke On Air To Prove It's No Big Deal

DC Police Say They May Never Discover Who Left Bag Of Cocaine Labeled 'Property Of H. Biden' At White House

Zelensky Breathes Sigh Of Relief After Failed Coup Guarantees War With Russia Will Continue

Hunter Seen At Courthouse Trying To Weigh Crack On Lady Justice's Scales

Look At These Terrifying Images Of Guns Before And After A Brace Is Installed

Taiwan Kicking Itself For Not Bribing The Bidens

Joe Rogan Savagely Bullies Scientist By Inviting Him On Podcast To Explain His Position

Brazen Hillary Clinton Seen Wearing 'But Her Murder Victims' Hat

Trump Names Hunter Biden As His Running Mate So DOJ Will Stop Investigating Him

Powerful: Biden Falls To The Ground In Support Of LGBTQ Rights

Corporations Paint Rainbows On Door Posts So Woke Gangs Will Pass Them By

With Last-Minute Debt Ceiling Bill, Government Narrowly Avoids Fiscal Responsibility

Ukraine Admits Country's Been In Shambles Since Hunter Biden Left

In Unprecedented Attack On Human Rights, Target Moves Pride Displays Back 20 Feet

Zelensky Announces Run For Second Term Of U.S. Presidency

Biden Finally Draws Larger Crowd Than Trump

Border Patrol Not Too Sure About This 'Mohammed Sanchez' Guy

Biden Says $10 Million Payment From Romania To His Cat Is Totally Legitimate

Biden Offers Money To Journalists To Stop Talking About His Family's Bribery Allegations

To Save Money On Bombs, Air Force Will Now Drop Morbidly Obese Airmen On Enemy

Biden Reassures Americans That Someone In His Administration Is Probably Doing Something About The Border

Mayorkas Heads To Border To Fire Starter Pistol When Title 42 Expires

10 Disturbing, Newly Discovered Side Effects Of The COVID Vaccine

Navy Somehow Even Gayer

White House Announces Illegal Immigration Has Decreased 90 Percent Since They Redefined It

With Vice News Closing, White House Will Have To Lie To Public Directly

A.I. Calculates It Will Be More Efficient To Just Let Humanity Destroy Itself

Fox News Fires The Only Reason People Watch Fox News

Raytheon Unveils New Dylan Mulvaney-Branded Patriot Missile

Trump Boasts No Felon Has Ever Had This Many Felony Counts

Democrats Vow To Arrest As Many Political Opponents As It Takes To Defeat Fascism

11 Great Reasons To Stay In California

Pilot Welcomes Passengers Aboard And Reassures Them He Was Not A Diversity Hire

FBI, CIA Relieved They No Longer Have To Travel Abroad To Turn Countries Into Banana Republics

Biden Offers Hush Money To 330 Million Americans To Not Tell Anyone How Bad He's Doing

Men's Figure Skater Comes Out Of Closet As Heterosexual

Neighbors Shocked To Hear Quiet, Unassuming AR-15 Went On Killing Rampage

'Conservatives Can't Define Woke!' Shouts Leftist Who Can't Define 'Man' Or 'Woman'

Bill Gates Calls Epstein's Number Just To Hear His Voicemail Again

U.S. Government Asks China For Quick Loan To Bail Out Silicon Valley Bank

10 Benefits Of Still Wearing A Face Mask

Demand Grows For Stricter Transit Regulations After Derailing Train Hits Airplane At 30,000 Feet

Ukraine Asks Merrick Garland To Leave As They Already Have Enough Corrupt Government Officials

Must See: Pfizer is Unable to Finish Press Conference Because their Spokespeople Keep Collapsing - Hysterical Parody Video by The Babylon Bee

Chicago Honors Lori Lightfoot's Legacy With 21-Murder Salute

To Save Time, Treasury Secretary Yellen Gives Zelensky Key To U.S. Treasury

Larger, More Catastrophic Train Wreck Reported At 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. In Washington, D.C.

Aides Brief Buttigieg On Ohio Disaster Using Wooden Toy Train Set

AOC Bursts Into Sunday School Class To Inform Them Jesus Is Fascist

10 Updates To Classic Books To Promote Diversity And Inclusion

BREAKING: Food Production Facility Somehow Not Burned Down Yet

U.S. Successfully Shoots Down Kid Jumping Too High On Trampoline

Hunter Asks Dad To Pick Up His Paycheck As Long As He's In Kyiv

'OK, Take Us To A Different Leader,' Say Exasperated Aliens After Trying To Communicate With Joe Biden

9 Things The Biden Administration Snuck By While You Were Looking Up At A Balloon

Biden Taken To Coroner For Annual Physical

Biden Annual Physical Confirms He Is Technically Still Alive

To Learn What's Causing All These Train Derailments, Pete Buttigieg Binge Watches Every Episode Of Thomas The Tank Engine

Pete Buttigieg Celebrates 24 Hours Without A Train Derailment

Scared Child Asks Mother To Check Under The Bed For Madonna

13 Ways To Tell If Your Priest Is An Undercover FBI Agent

FBI Investigating Plot Inside The Catholic Church To Worship Something Other Than The State

Tonight's State Of The Union To Be Sponsored By Pfizer

Ladies, Here's What's Going Through Your Man's Head Right Now: 17 Things He's Thinking

Kamala Harris Reminds Self Not To High-Five Cops During Memphis Trip

'I'm Sorry, Dave. I'm Afraid I Can't Do That,' Says ChatGPT After Being Asked To Say Nice Things About Trump

Payday Loan Center Sets Up Shop In Egg Aisle

New Netflix Series On Tyre Nichols Beating To Feature White Officers

Pfizer Introduces New Mascot 'Clotty'

Ukrainian, Russian Soldiers Snap Adorable Photo With Their Matching American Tanks

The Bernie Sanders 10-Step Plan For Ending Poverty

After Priest Exorcises All Demons From Her Home, Pelosi Becomes A Republican

U.S. Blows Itself Up So China Can't Have It

15 Reasons Completely Unrelated To The Vaccine People Are Dying Suddenly

Second-Grader Suspended For Misgendering An M&M

Blue Cross CEO Admits It Would Really Help If Sick Insured People Just Killed Themselves

Experts Warn Gas Stoves May Slowly Ingratiate Selves In Family To Kill And Take Place Of Matriarch

7 Ways To Spot An FBI Agent Twitter Profile

2024 Election To Be Decided By Whoever Can Keep Hand On White House The Longest

30 Other Things Investigators Found In Biden's Garage

Millions Of Lives Saved By Person Wearing Mask While Walking Alone On Sidewalk

Biden Tries Wearing Tan Suit To Distract From Scandals

Buttigieg Defends Job Performance By Reminding Everyone He's Gay

Democratic Women's Caucus Wears Matching White Butcher Coats In Support Of Abortion

10 Clever Ways To Avoid Persecution For Your Faith

Pregnant Joker Holds Bank Hostage Until Someone Brings Him Pickles And Ice Cream

Experts Say They Don't Know What Thing Is Causing Everyone To Suddenly Collapse, But It's Definitely Not That One Thing

After 15 Grueling House Speaker Votes, America's Long National Nightmare Can Finally Begin

Nation In Shock As Politicians Show Up To Work 4 Days In A Row

Per Obscure Constitutional Rule, Speaker Vote Will Now Be Decided By 'Wipeout' Obstacle Course

Favorite Snack In Every State

Elon Musk Named Honorary Congressman After Making $200 Billion Disappear

Republicans Gather In Congress To Vote On Who Will Fail The Voters This Time

Clowns Debate Who Will Be Elected Next King Of The Clowns

Essential Government Activities Funded In The $1.7 Trillion Omnibus Bill

The Babylon Bee's Predictions for 2023

Self-Loving Tesla Forgives Itself For Running Over Child

New Canadian Operation Game Just Has You Murder The Patient

Things To Never Say To A TSA Officer

Elon To Stay As Twitter CEO After Counting Mail-In Votes

Wife Begins Funeral Arrangements For Husband After He Fails To Respond To Text Within 13 Seconds

'Liberals Are Disrespecting Marriage!' Says Man On 3rd Marriage

10 Upsides To Socialism

Government Warns That With Elon Owning Twitter They Will Only Control 97% Of The Media

White House Lit Up With Symbol Of Religious Cult

How To Get Your Book Approved For The School Library

DOJ Arrests Sam Bankman-Fried For Running Out Of Bribery Money

Hillary Clinton Awarded Honorary Canadian Medical License

Elementary School Lesson On Water Cycle Explains How Water Becomes Property Of Nestlé

Customers Unenthused By Latest American Girl Doll 'Steve'

Zelensky Seen Sitting On Mall Santa's Lap Asking For Another $50 Billion

A Half-Serious Prediction Of What The Next Two Years Will Look Like

ABC Reveals All 'GMA' Anchors Have Been Castrated

Biden Decides To Read 'Art Of The Deal' After Getting Ripped Off In Griner Trade

Library Kids Excited To Hear Story Read By Mysterious New Drag Queen Kirkdazzle Glameroni

Biden Calls For $50 Billion To Help Ukraine Track Down Notorious Russian Arms Dealer

Sen. Warren Initiates Ban On Replica Weapons After Terrifying Musk Tweet (Parody)

In Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day Address, Kamala Harris Urges Nation Not To Forget January 6

Study Finds Masks 75% Effective At Keeping Kids Safe From Oxygen

SWAT Team Busts Down Door Of Denver Woman's Home To Apologize For Previous Raid

Horrified Balenciaga Teddy Bear Can't Remember Safe Word

DNC, Media Collude To Suppress Story About DNC, Media Colluding To Suppress Story

China Taps Governor Gretchen Whitmer To Lead Lockdown Enforcement

Obama Wondering Why US Team Didn't Just Drone Strike Iranians

New Elf On The Shelf Will Scan Your Social Media Account To See If You Misgendered Anyone

FBI Closely Monitoring Gathering Of Christian Nationalists

Karine Jean-Pierre Insists It's Not Her Job To Answer Questions Like Some Sort Of Press Secretary

10 Health Benefits Of Social Media

Tim Cook Says He's Ready To Pull Twitter From App Store Once President Xi Gives The Order

Bob Iger Vows To Cut Back To Only 7 LGBT Characters In Every Kid's Movie

10 Ways To Protect Your Kid From Groomers